2013 Discussion

Discuss Raw in 2013.

John Cena vs. Dolph Ziggler (RAW, 01/07/13)
Cena vs Dolph was a travesty. I have never ever remotely once said the awful term "super cena". Until now. The booking in this match was far and away the biggest load of shit I think I might have ever seen. You got the knuckleheads who complain about Cena beating Lesnar at Extreme Rules when that was done to damn near perfection. This trainwreck, however, is a real reason for someone to moan and groan. This is coming a guy who LOVES John-boy too. Don't get me wrong, he's the man. I can't tolerate mindless booking that of which nearly destroys Dolph's credibility. Dolph hits all of his finishers/signature moves. Cena kicks out. Ok. Not bad b/c there was a ref bump ---> Big E. Langston interference. Lays out Cena. Dolph covers. Cena still kicks out. Only way out now is a dusty finish. Nope. Instead Cena his ONE F-U and beats Dolph clean. Fuck this. Cena, you're always by one of my favorites, but I can't spin this in any fashion to where this made one bit of sense. WWE needs to get slapped upside the head for this one. Rant over.

CM Punk vs. Ryback (RAW, TLC, 01/07/13)
TLC was a ton of fun. I bought into it. Perhaps more than some others. Perhaps less than some others. Punk was a bumping machine and speaking of machines, my word Ryback was filthy with his destruction during the match. Decimating Punker any and all chance he could find. All of those months of frustration seemed to culminate every chance Ryback got to slam Punk through a table or crush him on a ladder. Punk displayed flashes of brilliance too in a mist of being the one who was clobbered (Ben Grimm seems to fit Ryback a hair more considering aesthetic appearances. I digress) Punk's display of intelligence to maneuver his way around the brute rocked. Dodging the steel steps only to leap off of them to drive the high knee into Ryback's face + evading Ryback by rolling out of the ring to lure him into diving into a table. Awesome. I appreciated and more importantly enjoyed the psychology of the match. It was painfully obvious Punk would win, yet that didn't come into play once in the match. The drama was still there even with the Rock championship shot looming for the Rumble. Another Shield screw job on Ryback makes me ponder if Ryback will even win the Rumble match now. I could honestly see Ryback vs The Shield at WrestleMania. If not in a handicap then in another 6 man capacity. I had tons of fun with this match. It isn't a MOTYC, or at least not a HIGH one, but it's the current WWE MOTY atm. 10 days in, big whoop I know. It's gonna be mentioned for the rest of the year. No doubt. It had that memorable factor to it. Plenty of entertainment to go around. Thankfully the debut RAW gave us a match worth discussing. Hoping the trend continues tenfold throughout the rest of the year. If not one match on RAW per week, but a few. 3 hours a week. They can afford to give us 3-4 quality bouts. ***1/2

CM Punk vs. Brodus Clay (RAW, 01/14/13)
This was a decent little match. I like Clay. He's shackled up with a tiresome gimmick and it's hindered the perception of his work if you ask me. I was glad they gave him a bit of time to shine against Punker. Punk wins to look strong. Clay has a match that's actually worth seeing and shows what he can do outside of a squash. Win-win. **

CM Punk vs. Chris Jericho (RAW, 02/04/13)
Oh man! Punker vs Jericho to end the action on RAW. Stellar. Much like the match for what it was. Chalk full of counters, attempts to win by their selected moves (GTS for Punk & Walls of Jericho for Jericho) I really, really got a kick out of both men surviving each of their respective submission holds. Jericho lasted the longest I think anyone ever has in the Anaconda Vice. Nice touch. Strong selling of the back by Punk for the finish. Attempts GTS only with no luck thanks to the torn up back via WoJ. So, what does he do? Tries to take the pain off of his back momentarily and decides to slam Jericho's hurt shoulder into the post twice. One more final GTS attempt for Punk and that's all she wrote. Lots of fun. Especially if you're big on both guy like myself. That's what RAW needs at least once a week. Something to sink your teeth into and honest to goodness mark for. It isn't hard to give fans a quality match weekly if you let them.

Chris Jericho vs. Daniel Bryan (RAW, 02/11/13)
These guys picked up right where they left off last week. Having yet another quality TV match. Appreciated the callbacks from their only other match in WWE back on NXT in 2010. Hard to believe that was THREE years ago. Jericho wins and hopefully that cements the match I want made for WrestleMania - Jericho vs Ziggler for the WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP I'd root on Henry to win the Chamber, but I don't want to see Del Rio as World Champ at WM, so yeah...JERICHO please. ***

The Shield vs. Ryback, Chris Jericho, Sheamus (RAW, 02/18/13)
Finally we come to this 6 man. Shield's first match on RAW. What a doozy it was. A very good abbreviated bout from what Shield produced at Elimination Chamber. Most fluid tag team action. The true beauty (and I'll probably go into MORE detail come the EC review) of The Shield, their booking, and everything right now is how their psychology is implemented to that of genius precision. They're painted like such a frenzied force it's damn near unparalleled to most factions or teams we've seen in modern wrestling in a very, very long time. Their X-Factor remains on all aspects of their angle. In ring. On the mic. Their assaults. The presence is immense. Not to discount the faces during this match. Much like the night before all of their performances in it were good. Excellent point in the match where they teased a finish following the first FIP segment by doing a callback to how the Elimination Chamber match ended. Ryback gets speared while having Rollins up for Shellshocked, only to have it no do the trick this time around. Which leads into Ryback being the next victim for the second FIP segment. Once that commenced, all hell broke loose again. The finish saw a great tease for the first lost given to the Shield as Jericho had Ambrose in a vicious Walls of Jericho. Distraction by Reigns leads to Rollins coming off the top rope with a brutal knee into the back of the head of Jericho (if you slow mo it, he got rocked pretty hard. Stellar impact.) Ambrose covers the fallen Jericho and The Shield leave victorious yet again. These guys are magnificent. Really strong match here. Has to be my favorite on WWE TV right now. ***1/2

John Cena vs. Dolph Ziggler (RAW, 01/07/13)
Ziggler slugs away in the corner and does situps, but Cena comes back with the bulldog for two. Delayed suplex gets two. Zigger catches him with his head down and follows with a corner splash for two, and the standing dropkick for two. Cena catapults him in the corner, but Big E gets a cheapshot and we take a break. Back with Dolph doing his handstand headlock, and now AJ provides the distraction to give Ziggler two off a dropkick. Dolph drops elbows for two an AJ gets another cheapshot, so the cheering section gets tossed by the ref. And it’s comeback time by Cena, but Ziggler cuts him off with the fameasser for two. Ziggler misses a charge and it’s the FIVE MOVES OF DOOM , but Ziggler hits the Zig Zag for two. Superkick misses and they counter each other until Ziggler hits a DDT for two. Dolph goes up with a crossbody and Cena rolls through into the FU, but Dolph superkicks him for two. Hell of a false finish there. That would have MADE the superkick had it finished there. They slug it out with Ziggler getting the crowd support, and he grabs the sleeper, but the ref gets bumped. Cena gets the STF off that, and Big E runs in for the beatdown and whatever his finisher thing is. Another ref counts two as this is getting massively overbooked. And finally Cena finishes with the FU at 17:29. This was a great match totally marred by multiple run-ins and a ref bump where none of them were needed. ***1/2 I guess Dolph already got to win his one match for the year at TLC and can now go back to jobbing every week.

Eve Torres vs. Kaitlyn (RAW, 01/07/13)
Yay, finally they’re gonna do the title change and get it out of their system. Eve works the leg for a bit, but gets a cheapshot when Kaitlyn stops to tie her shoelaces (no, really) and pounds away in the corner. Eve with a neck vice, but Kaitlyn hits a sideslam for two. Kaitlyn with the RATINGS DROP for two. Eve escapes a gutbuster and runs away, but Kaitlyn sends her back in, so Eve grabs the belt and runs into the crowd this time for the countout at 4:28. OH MY GOD end this program already and do the damn title change. No one gives a shit about Kaitlyn chasing the belt. Hella lame. *

Kane & Daniel Bryan vs. The Rhodes Scholars (RAW, 01/07/13)
This is non-title. Kane tosses the heels around and hits Sandow with a seated dropkick, and Bryan comes in with a dropkick into the corner for two. Cody comes in and gets dominated with kicks, and a northern lights suplex for two. Bryan gets caught in the corner as the heels work him over and Sandow hits the ELBOW OF DISDAIN for two before going to the chinlock. Bryan scoots over and makes the hot tag to Kane, who comes in with the flying clothesline for two. Sideslam gets two. Sandow bails, so Bryan hits him with the knee off the apron, and back in for more kicking in the corner. Bryan tweaks his knee, however, and the heels go to work on it as we do extended Rock N Roll Express Formula with a second heat segment. Bryan rolls up Cody for two, but Crossroads finishes clean at 7:07. Huh, not a heat segment, just a finish. Weird. So they do a bunch of jobs and now they’re #1 contenders again. Thoroughly decent tag match. **1/2

Randy Orton vs. Heath Slater (RAW, 01/07/13)
Orton beats up all the band members, but that allows Slater to get a cheapshot to take over. He gets the neckbreaker for two, but goes up and gets crotched, allowing Orton to hit the superplex to come back. Clotheslines and powerslam and he beats up 3MB again before hitting Slater with the draping DDT and finishing with the RKO at 4:22. Just an extended squash. *1/2

Wade Barrett vs. Santino Marella (RAW, 01/07/13)
Another non-title match. Barrett lays out Santino and pounds him in the corner, then follows with a suplex for two before going to a chinlock. Santino escapes the pumphandle and gets a superkick for two, then comes back and readies the cobra. Barrett cuts him off with a necksnap, and finishes with the elbow at 2:12. ½*

Antonio Cesaro vs. The Great Khali (RAW, 01/07/13)
Khali chops away in the corner and clotheslines Cesaro to the floor, and back in for another chop, but Cesaro goes after the knee. Khali fights back with more chops, but Cesaro hits a badass twisting bolo forearm and finishes with the NEUTRALIZER at 3:21. They should find big fat people for Cesaro to deadlift every week. ½*

Sheamus v. Jinder Mahal (RAW, 01/07/13)
Sheamus holds onto a headlock and they trade shoulderblocks, prompting Mahal to get some advice from his team. The advice from Drew: “Don’t marry a psychotic chick to get your green card.” Sheamus casually slugs away on Jinder and gets the forearms on the apron, but Slater runs interference and Mahal knocks Sheamus out of the ring to take over. After some laughable heat on Sheamus, he makes the comeback and beats everyone up, giving all of them Brogue Kicks before pinning Mahal at 5:30. Another squash. *

CM Punk vs. Ryback (RAW, 01/07/13)
Anyone with a color scheme as ugly as Ryback’s tonight deserves to lose. Ryback beats on Punk to start, but a chair to the back turns the tide and Punk gets a ladder already. Ryback intercepts him and suplexes him onto the ladder, which is a great idea for someone who just had knee surgery, I’m sure, and Punk bails. We take a break and return with Ryback continuing to bump Punk around before getting a table, but Punk escapes and gets a chair for some shots with that. Ryback suddenly no-sells everything and gets his usual, but charges after Punk and runs himself into a table. Punk climbs for the belt, but Ryback brings him down and drops him onto the ladder. This is a total one man show from Punk. Punk comes back with a high kick, but Ryback throws him through a table this time. So Ryback climbs for the belt, but now the lights go out, and the Shield emerge in their quest to prevent injustice. Ryback gets rid of them, but they keep coming and pull him down, then powerbomb him through a table, allowing Punk to crawl up and retain the title at 19:44. This was a pretty transparent one man stunt show, but it was entertaining enough. ***

Kofi Kingston v. Big Show (RAW, 01/07/13)
Show knocks Kofi out right out of the commercial break and pins him at 0:14. I guess we’re running long.

Wade Barrett vs. Randy Orton (RAW, 01/14/13)
They brawl to the floor and Orton runs him into the railing and back in for two. We take a break with nothing happening, and return with Barrett in control and still nothing happening. Barrett with a chinlock (not so fun when it happens to YOU, huh Randy?) and he boots Orton down for two. Back to the chinlock, but Orton is CREATING SEPARATION and makes the comeback. Powerslam and backbreaker, but Barrett runs away, shockingly right into the draping DDT. That move is so ridiculously contrived these days. Orton does his little dance, but Barrett cuts him off and runs him into the post. Bullhammer elbow finishes clean at 11:17. I’d say Orton’s mistake was writhing around like a spaz before trying his finisher. Have these guys ever not had a boring match? **

Damian Sandow vs. Kane (RAW, 01/14/13)
Sandow runs away, but gets a cheapshot and the ELBOW OF DISDAIN for two. Kane quickly squashes him with the chokeslam at 2:00. DUD

Eve Torres v. Kaitlyn (RAW, 01/14/13)
OK, Eve is LEAVING THE COMPANY and the DQ rule is waived here, so hopefully they finally change this fucking title and move onto something else with whatever’s left of the Divas division. Eve controls with the choking in the corner and a headscissors on the mat, but Kaitlyn comes back with the RATINGS DROP for two. Eve comes back with her neckbreaker, but only gets two. Considering that Houston is apparently Kaitlyn’s hometown, I almost thought they’d have Eve retain there just to fuck with everyone. Kaitlyn comes back with a gutbuster and Eve bails to escape, but she misses Kaitlyn running back in with a spear to FINALLY win that stupid belt at 5:31. Wow, what a special night for all concerned, blah blah blah, maybe she can get a proper dye job now with the money she’ll make as champion. **

CM Punk v. Brodus Clay (RAW, 01/14/13)
So yeah, CM Punk is still getting giant babyface reactions no matter how awesome of a heel he is. Punk backs off for some advice from Heyman. That advice: “If a cable network says they’re more than happy to have both your promotion and the competition at the same time, you should probably start exploring other options.” Clay tries to overpower Punk, but a neckbreaker turns the tide as the fans hate him so much that they loudly chant his name during his heel heat segment. Punk finishes clean with the flying elbow and Anaconda Vice at 3:42. That is like the first clean win I’ve seen Punk get over someone in MONTHS. *1/2

Sheamus v. 3MB (RAW, 01/14/13)
This is an over the top challenge, by which I mean it’s a battle royale style handicap match and not that it’s carried out with the usual flair that 3MB brings. They beat down Sheamus before 2 of them get tossed, but regroup and pull Sheamus out to give Heath Slater the unexpected win at 3:30. OH MY GOD, I’M CHANGING MY OFFICIAL ROYAL RUMBLE PREDICTION TO HEATH SLATER! And what happened to the Sheamus-Orton feud? Are they dropping that already?

Cody Rhodes vs. Daniel Bryan (RAW, 01/14/13)
Cody works on the bad knee from last week, but stops to gloat and gets pulled into the Yes/No/Lebell Lock at 1:10.

John Cena v. Dolph Ziggler (RAW, Cage, 01/14/13)
Ziggler gets the dropkick for two and a pair of neckbreakers, then counters an FU attempt with a jawbreaker for two. Cena makes the first escape attempt and Dolph climbs to stop him, but Cena drops him on the top rope as we take a break. Back with a slugfest on top of the cage, but Cena goes down before making a comeback. He goes for the five knuckle shuffle, but Ziggler counters with the superkick for two and then crawls for the door as well, which Cena counters by pulling Ziggler into the STF. Ziggler quickly counters into the sleeper, but Cena climbs the cage with Ziggler on his back and then drops down to break. Cena goes for the door now, but Big E slams on his head and Ziggler gets two. Cena climbs again and slams the door on Ziggler’s head, but Big E chases Cena back in with a chair. That leads to a Zig Zag for two. Ziggler climbs again, but Cena keeps popping up and Ziggler goes down again, but recovers with a DDT off the middle rope for two. AJ freaks out at ringside and tries to climb into the ring, but Ziggler screws up the distraction and hits Big E with the briefcase by mistake, allowing Cena to finish with the FU at 16:00. Another great match from these two, another dominant win by Cena. I don’t even get what they’re building to with this one-sided feud, as Ziggler has all the advantages and loses every match. ***3/4

Antonio Cesaro vs. Randy Orton (RAW, 01/21/13)
So the fastest winner out of the six guys gets to choose his number in the Rumble. I always like these matches, because it gives them actual stakes and guys trying to win. Orton gets a pair of shoulderblocks for two, but Cesaro controls with a headlock and gets two. Cesaro slugs away with forearms, but Orton gets the Thesz Press for two. Cesaro with a small package for two, but Orton dropkicks him out of the ring and follows with a clothesine. Back in, that gets two. And we take a break. Back with Cesaro slugging away on top as they fight to the floor again, and Cesaro gets two. Minor interesting point: The clock jumped ahead 4 minutes, but the Score only showed 3 minutes of commercials. Of course other times we get WAY more commercials during the break, but I thought it was interesting. Cesaro with a double stomp for two and he goes to the chinlock, but Orton makes the comeback with the powerslam and draping DDT. Cesaro reverses to a jackknife for two, however, and follows with the UPPERCUT OF DOOM for two. Cesaro runs him into the post to injure the shoulder, but back in, he walks into the RKO at 11:36. I’m pretty sure Orton’s not winning this thing with that time, but this was a HELL of a match. ***1/2

Big Show vs. Zack Ryder (RAW, 01/21/13)
Brad Maddox joins us for commentary while Show KOs poor Zack at 0:40.

Heath Slater vs. Ryback (RAW, 01/21/13)
If they don’t book a spot where there’s a bunch of deadwood jobbers in the Rumble for Ryback to come in and destroy, they have no business running a wrestling company. Ryback destroys Slater and the entire band in short order and finishes with the usual at 1:16. Ryback cuts a promo promising to kill everyone in the Rumble and go to Wrestlemania. Yeah, but without a sign to point to, it means NOTHING.

Dolph Ziggler vs. The Miz (RAW, 01/21/13)
Miz hits a quick dropkick for two, and a rollup for two. Another pair of rollups get two, and they trade reversals for near-falls before Ziggler dropkicks him for two. Neckbreaker gets two. He goes to a chinlock for a bit, but Miz goes after the leg and tries the figure-four to annoy me. Ziggler boots him out of the ring to counter, allowing Big E to get some damage in, and we take a break. Back with four minutes left, and Miz hits a big boot for two and makes the comeback. Corner clothesline and Miz goes up with the double axehandle for two. Dolph reverses the Finale into a rollup, but Miz reverses that for two, and Dolph DDTs him for two. Miz somehow manages to fuck up a figure-four even worse than Dusty Rhodes in his prime, but Ziggler makes the ropes anyway. Miz with another rollup for two, but the Zig Zag finishes at 10:56 to put Dolph in the lead. Another great Beat the Clock match! I heard these two had a great one on Main Event, too. ***1/4

Kaitlyn vs. Alicia Fox (RAW, 01/21/13)
Fox attacks and runs her into the turnbuckles as Tamina Snuka, daughter of Jimmy Snuka in case you weren’t aware, watches from backstage to show that we’re really down to the dregs of the division now. Fox throws Kaitlyn around by the hair and gets two, then goes to a chinlock. Kaitlyn comes back with a spear to finish at 2:05 and nearly pulls a Brooke Hogan in the process. DUD

Wade Barrett vs. Sheamus (RAW, 01/21/13)
They trade facelocks and Sheamus gets a clothesline out of the corner, but Barrett clotheslines him out of the ring and we take a break. Back with Barrett working on the arm with four minutes left, but Sheamus comes back with axehandles and the forearms on the apron. Suplex back into the ring gets two. Wade tries the pumphandle, but Sheamus escapes, so Barrett boots him down for two. Second rope elbow gets two. Barrett tries the Wasteland, but Sheamus reverses into White Noise and sets up for the Brogue kick. This brings out Dolph and his posse to run interference, and Sheamus walks into the Bossman slam for two. Wade loads up the elbow while Sheamus loads up the boot, and they knock each other out as time expires, giving Ziggler the win. That’s the first time I can remember where you got three long matches out of this deal. Another entertaining match in a series tonight, with some real drama at the finish. ***

Alberto Del Rio vs. Tensai (RAW, 01/21/13)
Tensai attacks and pounds the shoulder in the corner, then hits a pair of pump splashes for two. Del Rio comes back with a rana and a sick german suplex, then gets the crowd to chant “Si” before hitting the enzuigiri and a moonsault for the pin at 1:27. I’m kind of digging babyface Del Rio.

Randy Orton vs. Antonio Cesaro (RAW, 01/28/13)
The roulette wheel spun “Guest Referee” for this match, so of course it’s the Miz. Cesaro pounds away in the corner, but gets clotheslined by Orton for two. Backdrop suplex gets two. They head to the floor and Orton drops Cesaro onto the railing and throws forearms on the apron. Back in, Orton catapults him under the rope and gets two. They exchange forearms and Cesaro wins that battle, but Orton backdrops him onto the floor and we take a break. Back with Cesaro in control after running Orton into the post, and that gets two. Cesaro with the CRAVAT on Orton, but Orton fights up, so Cesaro hits him with a Michinoku Driver for two. The deadlift suplex gets two. Orton comes back with more clotheslines and the powerslam, but Cesaro hits him with the BOLO FOREARM and gets two. God I love that move. Orton tries the draping DDT, but Cesaro escapes and fires away in the corner, forcing Miz to pull him off in a shitty refereeing job. Cesaro of course argues, and walks into an RKO at 12:48. That was some seriously poor officiating there. Gorilla Monsoon would be AGHAST. ***

Wade Barrett vs. Bo Dallas (RAW, 01/28/13)
Wade gets to choose his own opponent, so the choice was obvious. Dallas gets some shots in, but walks into a kick and gets booted out of the ring. Back in, Barrett loads up the elbow, but walks into a suplex and gets pinned at 2:09. Good, about time we had an upset storyline. *1/2

Cody Rhodes vs. John Cena (RAW, 01/28/13)
Cena with the hiptoss and dropkick to start, and a suplex puts Cody on the floor. Cody decides to walk out, so Cena throws him back in and finishes with the FU at 1:41. Well that was about as much of a squash as you can get. ½* After that silly match stuff is out of the way, we get to the important stuff: The talking! Cena ponders whether to challenge the WWE or World champion and points out that the WWE champion will either be Punk or Rock, even though they still haven’t announced that as the main event of Elimination Chamber. Way to SPOIL it, John. He claims to have “no chance” to beat either man, but challenges the WWE champion anyway…and here’s the Shield. The beatdown commences, but Sheamus saves, only to get beaten down as well. So Ryback makes the last save, but he also gets beat up, and this would look to be another Chamber PPV match.

Kaitlyn vs. Tamina Snuka (RAW, 01/28/13)
This is a lumberjills match with the women dressed as showgirls. There’s only six of them out there because that’s literally all that’s left. Tamina pounds away and goes to a chinlock, then dumps her for some abuse from the limited heel presence. Aksana, basically. Back in, Kaitlyn comes back as even Cole and Lawler are burying the match. Finally everyone just runs in for a brawl and they mercy-kill it at 3:00 of hell. JBL’s “So this thing started on a higher level?” snark was the best part of it. Early contender for Worst Match of the Year, easily. -***

Sheamus vs. Damien Sandow (RAW, 01/28/13)
Sandow wisely runs away to start, but Sheamus sets up the table and beats on Sandow outside. Back in, Sandow uses an armbar takedown onto the table, then goes outside and finds a second table. He destroys Sheamus’ bad arm using the legs, and they fight onto the apron, but Sheamus slingshots back in with a shoulderblock. Sandow comes back with the ELBOW OF DISDAIN and viciously rams Sheamus into the side of a table. Sheamus gets the forearms on the apron and puts Sandow through a table with White Noise at 7:17. OK, he beat Sandow again, so what? **1/2

Kane & Daniel Bryan vs. Dolph Ziggler & Chris Jericho (RAW, 01/28/13)
We take a break immediately and return with Ziggler controlling Bryan, but Jericho tags himself in and hits Kane with the springboard dropkick. Bryan escapes from the Walls and brings in Kane, but the dissention continues between them, although Kane is still able to chokeslam Ziggler at 5:00 anyway. Good to see Ziggler’s right back to jobbing again. ½*

Ryback vs. Antonio Cesaro (RAW, 02/04/13)
Haven’t they wrestled a billion times now already? Ryback pounds away in the corner, but gets caught with a headbutt, so he throws Cesaro around for two. Cesaro comes back with forearms and a clothesline to the back as we take a break. Back with Cesaro trying to run away and then dropkicking Ryback off the apron and into the stairs. Luckily, Ryback beats the countout, but Cesaro slugs away in the corner and rides a knee down for two. Ryback makes the comeback and Cesaro runs away again, but Ryback blocks a high kick with a powerbomb and finishes with the usual at 8:37. Why are they constantly using the US champion in this role? He jobs to Orton and Ryback constantly and no one ever wants a title shot except for total losers like Miz. **1/2

Santino Marella vs. Jack Swagger (RAW, 02/04/13)
Brilliance on their part, as they took Swagger off TV for six months to freshen him up, then bring him back with exactly the same character and another terrible haircut. Swagger angrily lays Santino out and beats on him, then hits the pump splash and anklelock at 1:30. OK, so he’s ANGRY Jack Swagger now. ½*

Alberto Del Rio vs. Cody Rhodes (RAW, 02/04/13)
Apparently the Rhodes Scholars are done, which makes Cody’s mustache sad. So how about that tag division, am I right? Del Rio gets the step up enzugiri, but Cody beats on him in the corner until ADR hits the low kick for two. Cody counters the armbar with the disaster kick, but only gets two. Another try finishes for the champ at 2:44, however. Hell of a way to kick off Cody’s singles push. *

Daniel Bryan vs. Rey Mysterio (RAW, 02/04/13)
Wait, if they didn’t know who would win the vote, why is this match even booked? Logically you’d think that they’d wait until further along in the show to at least pretend like the results of the “vote” aren’t predetermined. Rey takes Bryan down for the seated dropkick, but Bryan blocks a headscissors with a gutbuster for two. Rey comes back and goes up, but Bryan hangs him in the tree of woe and then misses a charge and hits the post as we take a break. Back with Bryan working the arm and tossing Rey for yet another bump he shouldn’t be taking. Rey blocks a tope suicida and comes back with the senton and flying headscissors, and a low kick gets two. Bryan blocks the 619 and counters into the No Lock, but Rey rolls him over for two. Rey gets another shot at it and hits it, and drops the dime, but misses and allows Bryan to hook the No Lock at 7:39. **3/4

Sheamus vs. Kane (RAW, 02/04/13)
Apparently some of these matches are to impress Booker T and enter the Chamber match. I’m confused because I thought the lineup was set as of Smackdown. Kane gets a sideslam for two, but Sheamus slugs back and hits the backbreaker and a kneelift. Sheamus with the forearms, but Kane counters with a necksnap and blocks the brogue kick. Sheamus escapes the chokeslam and they reverse finishers a few times before Kane gets a DDT. Daniel Bryan runs in to argue with Kane and it’s KICK WHAM…uh…KICK at 3:43. Holy cow this crowd is catatonic tonight. *

Wade Barrett vs. Randy Orton (RAW, 02/04/13)
I don’t suppose it would be asking too much to take a break from this match for a while? They fight to the floor and Orton suplexes him onto the railing, and back in that gets two. Barrett comes back with a clothesline to put Orton on the floor, and back in for two. Barrett hits the chinlock to kill the crowd even more and Orton comes back with the powerslam and draping DDT. He walks into the Bossman slam, however, and Barrett gets two. Wasteland is countered into the RKO at 4:52. And again, no one cares that the champion lost because the title means nothing. **

CM Punk vs. Chris Jericho (RAW, 02/04/13)
They trade some nasty chops to start and the crowd has an IMPASSIONED chant-off for the two guys. Like both sides are determined to cheer for their guy. Punk takes him down for a top wristlock, but runs into a boot in the corner and Jericho dumps him with a clothesline and follows with a baseball slide. Springboard dropkick is countered with a necksnap and we take a break. Back with Punk missing a springboard clothesline as Jericho comes back and tries the Walls, but Punk escapes. Jericho gets the Lionsault for two, but walks into a GTS attempt. He reverses into the Walls, but Punk cradles for two, which Jericho reverses for two. Punk with a neckbreaker for two. Punk goes up with the flying elbow, but crashes and burns on that and a Lionsault gets two. Punk MURDERS him with the high kick out of nowhere for two, and the Anaconda Vice looks to finish, but Jericho makes the ropes. Punk notes “Sit down, marks!” for those in the front row, then tries the GTS, but Jericho counters to the Walls, but now Punk makes the ropes. These two have managed the miracle of waking up this terrible crowd. Jericho tries it again, but Punk reverses to the GTS to finish at 15:47. So yeah, this was pretty awesome. ***3/4

Mark Henry vs. The Great Khali (RAW, 02/11/13)
The whole first hour should just be dedicated to Mark Henry beating up dudes and yelling random threatening phrases. Ratings would triple. Khali chops away in the corner, but Henry just keeps hitting him until he goes down, and the World’s Strongest Slam finishes at 1:33. GIVE THIS MAN HIS BELT BACK!

Daniel Bryan vs. Chris Jericho (RAW, 02/11/13)
Jericho takes Bryan down for a pair of near-falls, but Bryan drops a knee for two. They fight to the apron and Jericho misses the springboard kick, allowing Bryan to hit him with a dive as we take a break. Back with Bryan hitting a dropkick in the corner and tossing Jericho, then hitting a clothesline out of the corner. Jericho comes back with the Lionsault, but misses and hits knee. Bryan to the top, and after he wins a battle up there he follows with a diving headbutt for two. Bryan throws knees until Jericho catches one and tries for the Walls, but Bryan powers out and into the No-Lock. Jericho rolls through again, but Bryan puts him down with the head kick for two. He throws more kicks, but Jericho rolls him up for two. Codebreaker finishes clean at 10:50. The crowd was DEEPLY invested in this one, and it was a hell of a TV match. ***1/2

Sheamus, John Cena & Ryback vs. 3MB (RAW, 02/11/13)
The six-man division of WWE is now deeper than the tag division. That’s pretty sad. They don’t even do the pretense of a match here, as it’s an old school World Championship Wrestling special with each guy on the babyface side completely squashing a member of 3MB in sequence until they all finish at the same time at 2:28.

Zack Ryder vs. Jack Swagger (RAW, 02/11/13)
Ryder quickly gets a missile dropkick and the Broski boot for two, but Swagger suplexes him on the floor, and back in for the clip and a turnbuckle powerbomb, before finishing with the doctorbomb and anklelock at 2:33. Swagger introduces someone who is apparently his new manager, Zeb Colter (?). Am I supposed to know who this guy is? Lawler keeps saying how the guy is crazy and he knew him “back in the day” but they never actually explain who he is. Is it supposed to be a repackaged Dutch Mantel? Because he looks like hell if so. Anyway, he cuts a paranoid gun nut promo and Swagger still isn’t over or interesting. However, backstage, Booker T puts him into the Chamber anyway, and Dolph Ziggler now wants back in for some reason as well, so he has to beat Kane to get in. Wow, someone has to beat Kane as punishment? How fresh.

The Miz vs. Cody Rhodes (RAW, 02/11/13)
Miz with a low kick on Cody for two as Cesaro does anti-American commentary. So we’re supposed to boo the guy who loves America, and we’re also supposed to boo the guy who HATES America? Pick your xenophobic heel and stick with it! Anyway, Miz completely squashes Cody, but Cesaro runs him into the post for the DQ at 3:09. And then he elevates the show by giving Miz a GIANT SWING into the railing FOUR TIMES. Miz getting his ass kicked = RATINGS. This match did not equal ratings. ½* Extra points to Miz for completely forgetting that he was destroyed by Brock Lesnar last week and apparently not caring about it.

Primo & Epico vs. Brodus Clay & Tensai (RAW, 02/11/13)
Total comedy squash and Tensai finishes Epico with the senton at 1:00. And then the Funkettes beat up Rosa Mendes for some reason, too.

Damien Sandow vs. Alberto Del Rio (RAW, 02/11/13)
Sandow quickly hits knees on ADR, but Del Rio comes back with the superkick for two. Armbar finishes at 1:13.

Kofi Kingston vs. Wade Barrett (RAW, 02/11/13)
Barrett hits a short clothesline for two, but Kofi comes back with elbows and a cross body for two. Another one gets two. Kofi walks into a Bossman slam that gets two. Barrett loads up the elbow, but Kofi moves, so Barrett wraps him in the apron and hits it for the pin at 3:01. What a flat match. *

Kane vs. Dolph Ziggler (RAW, 02/11/13)
Apparently the winner of this gets into the Chamber, even though Dolph already has the briefcase so this is likely a moot result. Kane slugs away and gets a suplex for two, but Dolph dropkicks him and fires away in the corner. This crowd is getting more and more bored with the show, and I can’t blame them. Dolph bails and we take a break, and back with a chinlock. Kane punches him out of the ring, but Dolph gets a neckbreaker on the way back in. Dolph drops elbows for two and gets a DDT for two. Kane boots him down for two, but Ziggler gets the sleeper and the fameasser for two. Kane with a sideslam for two. Dolph accidentally knocks AJ into Big E, and Kane chokeslams him to finish at 11:32. There was no chemistry there. *1/2

Dolph Ziggler vs. Ryback (RAW, 02/25/13)
Ryback throws Ziggler around while Cole relates Ryback’s riveting workout routine. Apparently he hits tires with sledgehammers to stay in shape. Did anyone clear that backstory with HHH? Ryback gets a powerslam and chops away in the corner, then cuts off a comeback with a shoulderbreaker to send Ziggler to the floor as we take a break. Back with Ryback hitting a delayed suplex to put Ziggler on the floor again, and finally Big E lays out Ryback to end the carnage. Back in, Ryback ignores the damage and continues beating on Ziggler until finally Dolph counters a powerslam with a DDT for two. Dolph with the sleeper, but Ryback drops him to escape and poor Dolph keeps bumping like a pinball for him. Ryback gets rid of Big E and hits Dolph with the spinebuster, and the Shellshock finishes at 11:11. Ziggler got almost ZERO offense here. *1/2

Mark Henry vs. The Great Khali (RAW, 02/25/13)
Slugfest to start and Henry goes down and “CM Punk Is God” is now trending. Gotta love it. Henry comes back and finishes with the SLAM at 1:18. That’s about right. DUD

Antonio Cesaro vs. Randy Orton (RAW, 02/25/13)
Hey, ANOTHER match between them where Cesaro will do the clean job, that’s terrific. Cesaro works a headlock and throws forearms as they announce OLD SCHOOL RAW next week. I am legitimately pumped about that. Cesaro gets a gutwrench for two, but Orton comes back with the clotheslines and a powerslam to set up the draping DDT, but Cesaro counters with the necksnap. Orton misses a charge, but finishes with the RKO for the millionth time at 3:00. Orton looks even less motivated than usual. I’ll ask again: Why do they even BOTHER having secondary titles if they’re just used as jobbers anyway? *1/2

R-Truth vs. Cody Rhodes (RAW, 02/25/13)
A tag team feud between two teams that broke up! And why did we never get the Rhodes Scholars v. Hell No blowoff featuring Bryan’s beard v. Cody’s mustache? Anyway, Cody pounds Truth down with knees while Cole accuses the Scholars of being gay for each other. Truth catches Cody with…uh…something and pins him clean at 2:22. Jesus, Cody is randomly jobbing to botched spots now? ½* What the fuck did this poor guy DO?

Kane & Daniel Bryan vs. The Primetime Players (RAW, 02/25/13)
So Bryan is blindfolded and Kane has one hand tied behind his back as a result of their braggadocio. These guys have been tag champions for SIX MONTHS now and this what we’re reduced to? This gives us some “hilarious” comedy from Bryan as he tries to find Titus (who wrestles with his whistle now), but falls victim to a Young suplex for two. Bryan bails to the floor and accidentally decks Kane, but he tags himself in and chokeslams Young at 3:30 anyway. Terrible. DUD

Jack Swagger vs. The Miz (RAW, 02/25/13)
This was set by an angle on the WWE app, because of course it was and it’s 2013 and now we have to type sentences like that with a straight face. Swagger quickly destroys him with a belly to belly on the floor and knees in the corner, and he grabs a hold on the mat. Swaggerbomb gets two and he goes to the armbar, then cuts off a comeback attempt with a powerslam. Look, I’m not a fan of the Swagger/Zeb whatever right now, but Swagger should running through dudes like a crazy man, not trading holds with fucking Miz in hour three. Miz comes back and hits his corner clothesline and double axehandle for two. Sunset flip gets two. Swagger goes for the leg and finishes with the again renamed Patriot Lock at 7:11. They seem to think this act is something special, but the crowd is bored with the same old Swagger matches and it just doesn’t have the heat it should for something getting this kind of push. *1/2 If anything, Zeb has all the heat here, not Swagger.

CM Punk vs. John Cena (RAW, 02/25/13)
Cole notes that this is about how Cena is unable to beat Punk in a big match, starting with the Monday in the Bank match last year. You mean that match he won? Yeah, he failed to win the title, but he won the match by DQ. Punks works a headlock, but gets hiptossed to the floor as we take a break. Back with Punk hitting a neckbreaker for two and a headscissors, but Cena escapes with an electric chair and bulldog for two. Cena with the headlock now as Cole points out that Cena is a 10 time WWE champion, the MOST IN HISTORY mind you, to really build up what an underdog he is. Punk runs him into the railing and we take another break. Back with Cena making the comeback, but Punk counters into the Anaconda Vice, which Cena reverses for two. Punk with a neckbreaker for two. Springboard clothesline gets two. Another try is countered into the STF, but Punk slips into the Vice instead, and Cena turns that into crossface, which Punk rolls over for two. I was just thinking to myself “You know, a great way to build sympathy for John Cena is to give him Chris Benoit’s finisher.” They slug it out and Cena gets the shuffle, but Punk reverses to the GTS and then cradles for two off that. Cena and Punk trade finisher attempts before Cena busts out a straight powerbomb for two in an interesting twist. Cena to the top and Punk cuts him off, but Cena gets the guillotine legdrop for two. Punk hits the high kick and running knee in the corner, but walks into the FU for two. Thought that was the finish. They head to the floor and Punk sends him into the post, but Cena sprints back in at 9. Punk with the GTS for two. Another try is countered into the STF, but Punk makes the ropes. This crowd is just losing their shit for this. Punk goes old school with the PILEDRIVER for two. That was an awesome Orndorff style one, too. Punk frustratedly works the count and goes up, but misses the flying elbow, and Cena hits a CENA-CANRANA and finishes with the FU at 27:23. So there’s a match of the year contender for ya. WOW. Both guys varied the moveset with spectacular results, the drama was off the charts, and that pretty much saved the show in as big a fashion as you can. ****3/4

Antonio Cesaro vs. Ryback (RAW, 03/05/13)
Ryback pounds on Cesaro as usual, and chases him out of the ring with a powerslam. Back in, a delayed suplex gets two. Cesaro gets a cheapshot and goes up, but Ryback brings him down and puts him on the floor again. This time Cesaro uses it to his advantage and sneaks in for a big boot that puts Ryback into the railing. Back in, that gets two, and we take a break. Back with Cesaro holding a sleeper, but Ryback fights back with a spinebuster…and walks into the bolo forearm. Cesaro tries to finish with the Neutralizer, but Ryback reverses into the Shellshock instead, and Cesaro jobs again at 9:00. Why the commercial break if they were just going to the finish a minute later? **1/2 Mark Henry comes out for the staredown with Ryback, and that probably sets up a Wrestlemania program.

Mark Henry vs. Zack Ryder (RAW, 03/05/13)
Slam and we’re done at 0:44. I’m sensing this won’t help Zack’s chances of making it onto Wrestlemania.

The Miz vs. Dolph Ziggler (RAW, 03/05/13)
Slugfest in the corner is won by Ziggler, complete with strutting, but Miz takes over and we take a break. Back with Ziggler doing the headstand chinlock, but Miz comes back with a sunset flip for two. Neckbreaker gets two, but Dolph gets an inside cradle for two. Miz clips the knee, but Ziggler gets the DDT for two. Miz goes up with the double axehandle and the run-ins start, leading to Flair chopping away on Big E. Ziggler rolls up Miz for two, but the figure-four finishes at 10:52. I have no words. **1/2 Well, except maybe wondering if Ziggler will ever win again and/or if he’ll even have a match at Wrestlemania at this point.

Jack Swagger vs. Hacksaw Jim Duggan (RAW, 03/05/13)
Duggan has Dusty and Slaughter with him, and Swagger quickly lays out all three with the 2x4 for the cheap heat. And even that doesn’t particularly make people boo him.

Daniel Bryan & Kane vs. The Primetime Players (RAW, 03/05/13)
Ted Dibiase is watching at ringside, as the PTP are trying to woo him as a manager. Really? The guy that Steve Austin threw a match to get away from? Bryan quickly gets caught in the heel corner and pounded, and Young drops a pair of Dibiase fists. Titus misses a charge and it’s over to Kane, who hits Young with a pair of corner clotheslines and a sideslam for two. Young goes up and lands in a chokeslam at 3:41. So yeah, they’ve got three matches in the past week, and they’ve all sucked. ½* Dibase shoves a $100 bill in Young’s mouth afterwards, and Bryan steals it because he’s awesome.

Brodus Clay & Tensai vs. 3MB (RAW, 03/05/13)
Honky Tonk Man comes out to cut a promo, but Heath Slater rudely sends him packing. I sense comeuppance in a bit. Tensai rolls up Drew at 0:20, and everyone dances, but Slater interrupts again and gets guitared as a result.

Fandango vs. Kofi Kingston (RAW, 03/05/13)
This doesn’t happen, as the ring announcer is unable to pronounce Fandango’s name to his satisfaction.

Alberto Del Rio vs. Wade Barrett (RAW, 03/05/13)
Del Rio throws kidney punches in the corner while Swagger comes out to watch, but he walks into the Bossman slam and Barrett gets two. They fight on the apron and ADR grabs a hanging armbar before Wade dumps him to the floor to break. Barrett throws knees on the apron and gets two. Del Rio makes the comeback with the Si Kick for two. Charge misses and Barrett gets the pumphandle, but Del Rio spins into the armbar at 4:48. Does Barrett ever win anymore? *1/2

The New Age Outlaws vs. Primo & Epico (RAW, 03/05/13)
Road Dogg quickly slugs Primo down and drops the shaky knee for two while Cole relates the secret origin of the Outlaws. Dogg gets trapped in the corner, but makes the hot tag to Gunn, and he’s actually full of fire and happy to be employed again. Fameasser finishes Primo at 2:53. Glad to see them having fun out there.

CM Punk vs. Sheamus vs. Big Show vs. Randy Orton (RAW, 03/05/13)
Big Show dominates everyone to start, and Orton hits Sheamus with a backbreaker to give Punk two. Punk steals another pin attempt, and gets dumped by the babyfaces as a result, and we take yet another break tonight, as it feels like the entire show has been commercials. Back with Orton hitting Punk with a powerslam and exploder suplex for two, but Punk tosses him. Sheamus comes in with a shoulderblock on Punk for two and he throws the forearms on the apron, but Show breaks it up with the Final Cut for two. Sheamus throws knees on Show until he goes down, but Show comes back with a pump splash that misses. Sheamus with White Noise for two. Orton suddenly reappears from limbo and hits a powerslam for two, and Show chokeslams Sheamus for two. Sheamus puts him on the floor with the Brogue Kick, but Orton hits the RKO, and Punk finishes Orton with the GTS at 12:37. Not exactly a dominating win for Punk leading up to Wrestlemania. *** Undertaker comes out for the staredown, and we’re off the air pretty damn early.

Daniel Bryan vs. Dolph Ziggler (RAW, 03/11/13)
Ziggler again gets no entrance as his stock continues to plummet for some reason. Bryan takes him down by the leg and hooks a surfboard, but Ziggler gets a dropkick for two. Bryan throws kicks in the corner for two while Cole points out that Ziggler has from now until July to cash in the briefcase. And they’ll probably stretch it out until then at the rate they’re going. Bryan backdrops him to the floor as we take a break. Really? We already had a commercial in place of Dolph’s entrance. Back with Bryan catapulting Ziggler into the corner to escape the headstand chinlock, and he comes back with a clothesline before missing a blind charge. Ziggler with the sleeper, but Bryan reverses to a rollup for two. They trade forearms and Bryan pelts him with kicks again and gets two. He goes up and Ziggler follows, but Bryan tries a backdrop superplex, which Ziggler counters in mid-air for two. Bryan tries a rana, and Ziggler hotshots him and follows with the fameasser for two. Ziggler pounds away, but Bryan turns it into the No-Lock, necessitating Big E’s interference to get him into the ropes. Ziggler rolls Bryan up for two, but Bryan reverses into the No-Lock again, and Ziggler finishes with the Zig Zag at 12:28. Holy cow, Ziggler wins a match CLEAN! And what a match. ***1/2

Tensai vs. Fandango (RAW, 03/11/13)
This of course doesn’t happen, as Tensai is once again unable to properly pronounce “Fandango”. This is getting tiresome already.

The Rhodes Scholars vs. The New Age Outlaws (RAW, 03/11/13)
The Scholars do their own version of the Outlaws’ spiel, and Sandow doing air quotes during “down with it” kills me for some reason. You ever get the sinking feeling that the Outlaws are going to end Hell No’s tag title reign at Wrestlemania? Because I’m getting worried. Dogg quickly slugs away on Rhodes, but walks into the disaster kick…and here’s Brock Lesnar. Yeah, I wouldn’t want to be D-X members tonight. And Brock BEATS THE FUCK out of the Outlaws. Quoth Heyman, Brock doesn’t play games, he HURTS PEOPLE. Yeah he does. They’ll take the match with HHH, but Brock gets to name the stipulations…after HHH signs the contract.

Kofi Kingston vs. Mark Henry (RAW, 03/11/13)
Wait a minute, how can Kofi be wrestling here, AND live in the Score studios with Arda Ocal? SHENANIGANS! Henry runs Kofi into the corner and bearhugs him, then puts him on the floor with a kick before missing a charge and hitting the post outside. Kofi mounts the comeback, but Mark catches a bodypress attempt and finishes the World’s Strongest Slam at 2:28. *

Ryback vs. Heath Slater (RAW, 03/11/13)
Clothesline and Shellshock finish at 1:00. Mark Henry is out for the staredown, and there’s your Wrestlemania match.

Alberto Del Rio vs. Antonio Cesaro (RAW, 03/11/13)
Del Rio controls to start, but Cesaro powerbombs him into the corner for two and takes over. Del Rio into the corner for two. Cesaro drops elbows and goes to the chinlock, but Del Rio makes the comeback for a pretty tepid crowd. The low kick gets two. Cesaro blocks the armbar and bails to the apron, but Del Rio gets a backstabber for two. ADR goes up and lands on Cesaro’s SWISS DEATH forearm, but that only gets two. Del Rio quickly comes back with the armbar at 4:38. Does Cesaro beat ANYONE outside of the Miz? He literally loses every match on RAW for weeks now. This was OK, but the crowd isn’t buying the pandering Del Rio act. **

The Rhodes Scholars vs. Sheamus & Randy Orton (RAW, 03/11/13)
Sheamus overpowers both Scholars, but gets pulled to the floor by Sandow and attacked out there. Back in, Cody gets two and goes to a chinlock, but Sheamus escapes with a clothesline and makes the hot tag to Orton. Exploder suplex on Rhodes gets two, but Sandow saves him from the draping DDT and sends Orton into the post. Back in, the ELBOW OF DISDAIN follows for two. Cody with a front suplex for two. He goes up, but Orton comes back with the powerslam and makes the hot tag to Sheamus, and stereo finishers end it at 8:04. It was what it was. **

The Miz vs. Chris Jericho (RAW, 03/11/13)
Barrett is on commentary, and Cole is even more cloying talking about what a “hit” Dead Man Down is, when in fact it’s one of the biggest flops of the year so far. Miz with a big boot for two, but Jericho reverses out of the neckbreaker and follows with the Lionsault, which misses. Miz counters out of the Walls as well and tries the figure-four, but Jericho reverses to the Walls, and Miz cradles for two. Jericho with another Walls, but Miz makes the ropes. They fight on the floor and Barrett interferes for the DQ at 3:57. What a spectacularly bad finish. *1/2

Jack Swagger vs. Sin Cara (RAW, 03/11/13)
Zeb cuts an ENDLESS promo while Cara stands there like an idiot taking the abuse, as Swagger continues to not justify this push with any kind of crowd reaction. They quickly hit the floor, and Cara gets the corner kick back in the ring, but dives onto a big boot. Swagger finishes with the anklelock at 1:47. Del Rio runs out for the save, and everyone continues not caring about any of this.

CM Punk vs. Kane (RAW, 03/11/13)
This doesn’t even start until the top of the hour. Jesus, some of us have to get up for work in the morning, guys. So they brawl outside of the ring right away and Kane beats on him, and back in where Punk goes up with the flying elbow for two. And they fight outside as we take A COMMERCIAL BREAK?! I WANT TO GO TO BED, JERKS! Wrap it up already! So, like 20 minutes later, Undertaker’s gong distracts Punk and Kane chokeslams him to get his revenge at 12:38. Yeah, and Punk steals the urn, because THAT’S never been done before. Whatever, I’m done with this show, good night.

John Cena vs. Darren Young (RAW, 03/18/13)
Young runs away immediately and we take a break, and return with Cena pointing at the sign and finishing Young at 3:50. Literally 30 seconds of that “match” was actually aired.

David Otunga vs. Ryback (RAW, 03/18/13)
I have to say, the one time where they’d be totally justified in crowing about their movie’s success and they totally have Michael Cole underplay it and then squash Otunga. I have no idea how their mindset works. So yeah, Ryback gets a couple of spinebusters and finishes with the usual at 1:30. So this brings out Mark Henry, along with Teddy Long and Vickie, who takes Ryback out of the six-man at Wrestlemania and books him against Henry instead. See, that’s exactly why the GM concept is so useless now: Instead of Ryback challenging Henry because he’s a MAN and he’s PISSED OFF, we have to get Vickie to book the match on his behalf.

Fandango vs. Great Khali (RAW, 03/18/13)
The show continues dying before it even gets started, as Fandango gets an elaborate dance-hall themed entrance and pyro, and then runs away from Khali. This has gone past “tiresome” and into its own universe of suck.

R-Truth vs. Damien Sandow (RAW, 03/18/13)
Sandow attacks and drops a knee for two, then cuts off a comeback with a clothesline and follows with a snap suplex for two. Knees into a legsweep sets up the ELBOW OF DISDAIN, which gets two. Truth makes the comeback and gets the leg lariat and axe kick while Cole & Lawler engage in some of the most idiotic commentary, and then Sandow walks out of the match at 3:40. Holy god is this a terrible show tonight. ½*

Kane & Daniel Bryan vs. Primo & Epico (RAW, 03/18/13)
The champs take turns on Primo, as Bryan throws the kicks in the corner for two before Epico comes in. He hits Bryan with a knee to the back from behind for two, and the Colons take over with double-teams. Epico with the surfboard and a clothesline for two, and he goes to the chinlock as this match may be the most boring thing ever. Not even just wrestling matches, but life in general. Finally, it’s hot tag Kane and he goes up with the flying clothesline, but AJ interrupts and skips around the ring. Kane chokeslams and pins a Colon at 6:05 anyway. *

Alberto Del Rio vs. Cody Rhodes (RAW, 03/18/13)
Del Rio has newer, babyface-ier music that still doesn’t get him over worth a damn. Cody actually gets some offense for once, dropping a knee in the corner before walking into a faceplant and low kick that gets two for ADR. Cody with a suplex for two and he dodges a charging Del Rio. ADR comes back and dropkicks Cody off the apron as we take a break. Back with Cody stomping Del Rio down and hitting a front suplex for two. Cody works on the knee, but Del Rio blocks a superplex and both guys are out. Del Rio with the head kick for two, but Cody comes back with a moonsault press for two. Cole here notes that Del Rio is setting up for his “patented” move, the “cross-armbreaker”. Isn’t that like someone doing a “patented” move they call the bodyslam? And Del Rio gets his patented move for the submission at 13:24. That was a lot of match for not a lot of result. **

Randy Orton & Sheamus vs. 3MB (RAW, 03/18/13)
The babyfaces work Drew over to start and Sheamus slingshots in for two. Sheamus gets distracted by Jinder and Slater takes over in the corner, setting up a big boot from Drew for two. Slater with a superkick for two, but Sheamus makes the hot tag and Orton finishes Heath with an RKO at 3:44. * The Shield tries to attack, but Big Show runs out to even things up.

Kofi Kingston vs. Dolph Ziggler (RAW, 03/18/13)
Dolph works a headlock, but Kofi comes back with an elbow and goes up, only to fall down as Ziggler takes over. Kofi comes back with a springboard splash for two and the boomdrop, but Dolph bails. Big E gets his cheapshot on Kofi and the Zig Zag finishes at 4:31. The winning streak continues! ** Afterwards, Team Hell No challenges Team Biggler to a tag title match at Wrestlemania.

Wade Barrett vs. The Miz vs. Chris Jericho (RAW, 03/18/13)
Jericho cleans house to start and hits Barrett with a dropkick in the ring for two. Miz sneaks in with a sunset flip for two and follows with the corner clothesline, but goes up and gets pounded. Barrett tries a superplex, but Jericho brings them down with a tower of doom spot and we take a break. Back with Barrett chinlocking Jericho, who comes back with a bodypress for two. Miz pulls Jericho out of the ring, but walks into the bossman slam, which gets two. Miz with the figure-four, but Jericho lionsaults him for two. He dumps Miz and puts Barrett into the Walls, but Miz saves, so Jericho rolls him up for two. Codebreaker, but Barrett steals the two count on Miz. Jericho gets rid of Barrett and gets two on Miz again, but Miz gets the DDT for two. Jericho gets rid of Barrett again, but walks into a big boot from Miz that gets two. Jericho with a small package for two, but the SKF follows, and Barrett gets the cheap rollup on Miz to retain at 13:18. This was the one-man show from Jericho, who gets bumped down to putting Fandango over as a reward. ***1/4

Chris Jericho vs. Dolph Ziggler (RAW, 03/25/13)
Jericho is still fired up and he boots Ziggler down to start and goes for the Walls, but Ziggler fights him off. Jericho quickly goes up with a flying bodypress for two, and we take a break. Back with Ziggler in control, but Jericho rolls him up for two. Ziggler with a dropkick for two. Stinger splash and he wraps him up with the ABDOMINAL STRETCH. The ghost of Gorilla Monsoon notes that the ankle was not grapevine, and so Jericho easily escapes an otherwise guaranteed submission. Jericho gets dumped but transitions into a double axehandle from the top, and a springboard dropkick gets rid of Big E. Ziggler catches him with the DDT for two, however. Jericho blocks the fameasser and turns it into the Walls (the Liontamer, in fact!) and Ziggler taps at 9:16 to end the epic winning streak at 4. I don’t get the reasoning here at all; Ziggler’s the one with the tag title match. **1/2 Big E lays out Jericho and Fandango comes out to dance on Jericho’s fallen body, because he really hates it when you get his name wrong. As far as Wrestlemania motivations go, this one is right up there with the shampoo commercial.

Mark Henry vs. The Usos (RAW, 03/25/13)
This is pretty random. The Usos manage to double-team with a pair of superkicks and one of them gets a flying splash for two. Henry has had about enough of that shit and gets rid of an Uso by running him into the post, and then finishes the other poor guy with the slam at 1:38. And then he beats the Usos up some more because THAT’S WHAT HE DOES.

Alberto Del Rio vs. Antonio Cesaro (RAW, 03/25/13)
Del Rio’s new babyface theme music reminds of the redone Losing My Religion where they scaled it up into a major key. Poor Cesaro continues to lose every match and never defend the title he’s had for eight months now. Cesaro attacks and goes to the neck vice, but ADR comes back with the backbreaker, which Cole notes is now a vintage move for him. Goody. Uncle Zeb comes out to scout, and that allows Cesaro to attack from behind and head up. Del Rio brings him down with a superplex as both guys sell like they’re dead 2:00 into a TV match. Jack Swagger beats up Ricardo some more during the lull in the action, and ADR heads out for a brawl with him, which gives Cesaro the epic countout win at 3:25. *1/2 Well, at least he won this time, sort of. Del Rio is so upset at costing himself the match like an idiot that he beats up Cesaro and armbars him, just so we know that the US champion is a huge fucking jobber. Does anyone care about Del Rio yet? Just wondering.

Kane & Daniel Bryan vs. The Primetime Players (RAW, 03/25/13)
The champs beat up on Pancake Patterson in the corner to start, but the Players double-team Kane. Bryan comes in for a double hiptoss on Young while Team Biggler come out to watch, allowing Young to get a suplex on Bryan and take over. Pancake suplexes Young onto Bryan for two, but Kane gets the hot (?) tag and beats on Young with the usual. Big boot gets two. Sideslam gets two. Bryan gets rid of Titus with a flying knee and Kane chokeslams Young at 4:33. *1/2 Apparently this week the champs are on the same page and not breaking up. Really, it’s months past the time to take the belts off them either way.

Wade Barrett vs. The Miz (RAW, 03/25/13)
You’d assume this is non-title, given that they don’t actually announce it as a title match and nobody gives a shit about the secondary titles anyway. Miz chases Barrett out of the ring to start and goes up, but Wade boots him down and punts him in the ribs for two. Barrett goes to the chinlock, but Miz rolls him up for two. Barrett gets dumped to the floor, and back in Miz gets two. And we take a break. Back with the crowd telling us how boring this match is, as Barrett controls and gets two. Barrett surfboards him, but Miz makes the comeback before walking into the bossman slam, which gets two for Barrett. Cole notes that Miz wants to be part of the IC title picture, which is a weird kind of logic to me, because you’re supposed to win matches to qualify for a shot against a dude who loses constantly. Miz tries the figure four, but Barrett reverses for two. A high kick gets two. Barrett loads up the elbow, but Miz rolls him up for two and clips the knee. Figure-four finishes at 12:35. This was OK. **1/2

The Shield vs. Zack Ryder, Justin Gabriel & The Great Khali (RAW, 03/25/13)
I do not approve of the Shield doing TV squashes. They should be kept super-special PPV attractions or important matches only. Rollins gets worked over in the jobber corner, but Ryder misses a dropkick and gets worked over by the Shield. Ambrose with a dropkick on the ropes and Reigns comes in and slugs Zack down and tosses him around. Gabriel gets the tag but immediately gets laid out by an Ambrose clothesline and a flying knee from Rollins to finish at 2:31. Khali tries to avenge his teammates, but gets powerbombed as a result. Once the damage is done, Orton and Sheamus come out to make the save. Slowly. And the Big Show is on the announce table side, and with two sides of the ring cut off, the SHIELD HAVE NO PATH TO ESCAPE. Except for the other two sides of the ring, but for the sake of telling stories I’ll note that the babyfaces beat up the Shield anyway. Again, the Shield should not be selling or running from the babyfaces yet, especially not on TV. They need to push, push, push, not cool them off.

The Rhodes Scholars vs. Brodus Clay & Tensai (RAW, 03/25/13)
See, the point of this match is to build up the issue between the Bellas and the Funkettes for their 30 second nacho break match at Wrestlemania. This lesson in booking brought to you by WWE, where they’re telling stories. The Scholars double-team Tensai, but Brodus gets the hot tag while the women brawl at ringside for some reason. Cody hits the kick on Brodus and gets the pin at 2:38, but that’s obviously secondary to the red hot Bellas v. Funkadactyls feud. DUD

Ryback vs. 3MB (RAW, 03/25/13)
This is the point in the show where I’ve resigned myself to the fact that it’s not getting any better by now and probably won’t magically make me care about Wrestlemania. Not this match in particular, but just the show in general. So yeah, 3MB gets a bit of offense, but Ryback inevitably destroys Slater with his Goldbergian offense and does the double-stack Shellshock on Slater and Mahal to finish at 3:53. *

AJ v. Kaitlyn (RAW, 03/25/13)
Holy shit, Kaitlyn is still the Divas champion? I had seriously forgotten about it. It seems like months ago that she won that thing from Eve. Kaitlyn throws her around the ring and hits her with the gutbuster, and they brawl to the floor, where Kaitlyn charges and hits the railing. And that’s the countout at 2:00. So yeah, two cheap heel countout finishes in the same show. So, um, boo AJ? DUD

3MB vs. Sheamus, Randy Orton, Big Show (RAW, 04/01/13)
I have to say, if Show and Orton turned on Sheamus at Wrestlemania, that would be pretty epic. Cena’s gonna need a new top heel faction to defend against and I can see them going back to Orton v. Cena again by Summerslam, sadly. Sheamus beats on Slater and hits Drew with a powerslam, but turns his back and gets dropkicked. Sheamus takes a cursory beating in the corner and then makes the hot tag to Big Show, who quickly dominates all three geeks and finishes Jinder with the punch at 3:03. This brings out the Shield for their go-home promo.

Daniel Bryan vs. Dolph Ziggler (RAW, 04/01/13)
Bryan throws kicks in the corner and gets a clothesline, but Ziggler escapes the No-Lock. Bryan tries a surfboard, but Ziggler gets a neckbreaker and dropkicks him for two. Bryan wraps Zig up in the ropes, but gets distracted by Big E and falls victim to a fameasser that gets two. And we take a break. Back with Dolph holding the headstand headlock, but Bryan comes back with more kicks and goes up. Flying headbutt misses and Dolph grabs a sleeper, but Bryan reverses. They fight over the No-Lock while Big E lays out Kane outside, and Dolph gets the cheap rollup for the pin at 11:48. And then Big E lays out both tag champs with whatever his move is called. This was good, but not on the level of their classic a couple of weeks back. **1/2

Wade Barrett vs. Zack Ryder (RAW, 04/01/13)
Barrett calmly beats on Zack for a while, but Zack comes back with the broski boot for two. Barrett finishes with the elbow at 3:48. Total squash.

Mark Henry vs. Santino Marella (RAW, 04/01/13)
Yup, another squash. Big slam at 0:50. Ryback comes out for some verbal sparring, and uses poor Santino as a weapon so they don’t have to touch.

Alberto Del Rio vs. Uncle Zeb (RAW, 04/01/13)
Yeah, like this will happen. And in fact Zeb gets Ricardo’s crutch for a DQ at 0:48 before the match even starts. I’m also disappointed that history-obsessed JBL didn’t mention his former association with Zeb. Ricardo gets anklelocked again and Del Rio takes a beatdown, so obviously he’s retaining on Sunday.

Antonio Cesaro vs. Chris Jericho (RAW, 04/01/13)
Cesaro works a headlock to start and shoulderblocks him for two, but Jericho comes back with chops, and a suplex for two. Cesaro wraps him up with a sleeper, but Jericho fights out and they fight on the top rope. Jericho with a rana from the top for two, and that brings Fandango out. And we take a break. Back with Fandango hitting a sunset flip for two, but Cesaro double-stomps him for two. Butterfly suplex gets two. Jericho comes back and tries a corner splash, but misses and hits the floor instead. Back in, Cesaro gets two and goes to the neck vice. Michinoku Driver gets two, and a YODELLING ELBOW in the corner gets two. Yeah, that’ll get him to the next level. Yodelling. Jericho comes back with a double axehandle off the top, which Fandango only scores a “4”. Lionsault earns a “3”, but Cesaro gets a gutwrench for two. Jericho to the top again with a flying bodypress, and that gets two. He finally dropkicks Fandango to get rid of him, but Cesaro cradles for two. Jericho with the Walls to finish at 13:07, and Fandango attacks right away. **1/2 Fandango’s actually getting some heat now thanks to Jericho. Just goes to show that even a goofy shampoo commercial feud like this one can work if people care about the outcome.

Naomi & Cameron vS. The Bella Twins (RAW, 04/01/13)
Naomi gets beat up for a while, hot tag Cameron, everyone has a wacky brawl, a Bella pins Cameron at 4:44. ½* BUILDING MOMENTUM, BUILDING MOMENTUM, we get it, Michael.

Daniel Bryan vs. Big E Langston (RAW, 04/08/13)
Big E catches Bryan with a uranage in the corner and then pounds away on him. Bryan comes back with the kicks, which has the super-smark crowd delighted, but Ziggler runs interference and allows Langston to chuck Bryan over the top and finish with the unnamed finisher at 2:18. Boy, they’ve sure got their finger on the pulse of THIS crowd. *

The Miz vs. Wade Barrett (RAW, 04/08/13)
Barrett pounds on Miz in the corner, but a sunset flip gets two. Miz gets the punches in the corner, with the crowd booing the shit out of him, and hits the chinlock. Wade drops an elbow for two and now he goes to the chinlock. Miz tosses him and follows with a double axehandle, but gets caught by Barrett on the apron as we take a break. Back with Barrett hitting the bossman slam and dropping an elbow from the apron to the floor, which gets two. They slug it out and Miz makes his comeback, with the neckbreaker getting two despite a botched spot that the crowd is all over. Miz with the corner clothesline and double axehandle for two. Barrett escapes the figure-four, but Miz DDTs him for two as Barrett’s lip swells up rapidly. Miz escapes the Wasteland and gets another figure-four, but Wade makes the ropes. Miz charges and hits boot, and they fight on top, which results in Miz going down. Big elbow and Barrett is the champion again at 13:44. That is probably the biggest babyface pop Barrett is going to get in his career. Epic title reign for Miz. Just epic. ***

Alberto Del Rio vs. Jack Swagger & Dirty Uncle Dutch Zeb Colter (RAW, 04/08/13)
This ADR thing is just not working. And if you can’t get over as a giant star in front of this coked up Jersey smark crowd, it’s hopeless. The crowd desires something, but I can’t put my finger on it. Twizzlers? Maybe, everyone loves licorice. Del Rio puts Swagger on the floor and follows with a tope and the crowd still wants something. Dirk Diggler? Could be, Boogie Nights is one of my all-time favorite movies too. Back in, Swagger clips the leg to take over and the crowd praises the virtues of zippers. They really are a useful fastening device! Swagger with the anklelock, but Del Rio fights out as these two boring dweebs have managed to kill a molten post-WM crowd single-handedly. We take a break and return with ADR getting a backbreaker and the crowd continuing to be bored. Low kick gets two. Swagger counters the armbar into the anklelock, as Cole notes that it’s tortuous just to watch this. I agree. Del Rio counters into the armbar and Swagger taps at 11:41. Thank god. *1/2 But Del Rio’s knee is shot, and you know what that means…

MONEY IN THE BANK: Alberto Del Rio vs. Dolph Ziggler (RAW, 04/08/13)
FINALLY. Ziggler goes for the leg as the crowd goes BATSHIT. Fameasser gets two. Dolph misses a charge and Del Rio comes back with the enzuigiri, drawing a HEEL reaction! That gets two. Del Rio gets the armbar, but Ziggler wrenches the bad leg to break, and the Zig Zag gives Dolph the World title at 2:00. And holy shit what a pop that got. That crowd was SO HAPPY to see Dolph cash that thing in, ou couldn’t help but cheer along with them. Thank god they can finally retire that poor briefcase now. Great moment.

3MB vs. R-Truth, Zack Ryder & Santino (RAW, 04/08/13)
AKA “six guys without a Wrestlemania payoff”. Ryder is so low down the totem pole now that even this crowd won’t cheer him anymore. Ryder quickly gets caught in the heel corner and worked over, as Drew grabs an armbar, but Ryder comes back with a neckbreaker and makes the hot (?) tag to Santino. Cobra time, but Drew blocks it, only to see it slip loose and hit Slater for the pin at 3:32. Our crack announce team gives so little of a shit about this match that they don’t even acknowledge the winners and just immediately throw to a video package about Wrestlemania weekend. ½*

Randy Orton vs. Sheamus (RAW, 04/08/13)
So this is another bait-and-switch, as they ran a Twitter vote during the commercial to see which guy would face Big Show (won by Orton handily) and then the GMs came out and changed the match to this instead, with the winner facing Show at some indeterminate point. So they trade some stuff and the fickle crowd turns on the match immediately, singing the “Ole Ole” song for some reason. Big fans of Ole Anderson, I guess. The guys seem really frazzled by the reaction and exchange chinlocks while the crowd ignores the match and chants for JBL and whatever else comes to mind instead. We take a break and return with this bizarre trainwreck dragging on, as they slug it out and the fans DO THE WAVE. Sheamus gets the forearms and the crowd just jumps right to “End this match” and “Randy Savage” for fuck knows what reason. Orton’s pissed off look is great. Sheamus counters the RKO into White Noise and sets up for the big kick, but it misses and now Big Show comes out for the DQ at 16:00 and beats both guys up. “Thank you Big Show!” ***** for the crowd alone. I get the feeling New Jersey might never get another TV taping again, though. Show absolutely beats the shit out of Orton as the heel turn seems further and further away. For either guy, I guess.

Fandango vs. Kofi Kingston (RAW, 04/08/13)
I was just thinking this should be Fandango squashing some geek, and who’s a bigger geek than Kofi at this point? Fandango does some dancing while the crowd sarcastically hums his theme music at him. And Jericho runs in for the DQ before this can go any further. That might be a good thing for everyone concerned. Jericho beats on him until he’s nearly out cold, but Fandango still corrects the ring announcer’s pronunciation of his name from his deathbed. That draws a legit babyface reaction.

Tensai, Brodus Clay, Naomi & Cameron vs. The Rhodes Scholars & The Bella Twins (RAW, 04/08/13)
Frankly I’m shocked they managed to get this one in without cutting it here too. We’re joined in progress with Tensai missing a charge and Sandow hitting the ELBOW OF DISDAIN for two, but Clay gets what I presume is the hot tag and suplexes him for two. The faces sandwich and double splash him for the pin at 1:00 or so. Thankfully the miscarriage of justice has been corrected. However, I’m STILL waiting for the British Bulldog v. Berzerker match advertised on the Wrestlemania VIII box.

John Cena vs. Mark Henry (RAW, 04/08/13)
Cena slugs away to start, but Henry pounds him down and yells demoralizing things at him, which is awesome because I was just explaining to my wife about how he does exactly that. Splash misses while the crowd is busy humming Cena’s theme song. Cena shoulderblocks Henry to the floor, but Henry is having none of it and tries to slam Cena through the table instead. Cena escapes and runs Henry into the stairs for the countout at 3:14. This does not go over well. ½* So I’m guessing Henry doesn’t get his title shot. Henry lays him out afterwards, but now Ryback comes out to continue their feud. He chases Henry away and offers a mean look at Cena, but just helps him up instead…and then turns on him for GIGANTIC babyface pop. So there’s your first feud for Cena.

Randy Orton & Sheamus vs. Big Show (RAW, 04/15/13)
This hardly seems fair for the Big Show. Sheamus tries a headlock and gets suplexed, but comes back with a necksnap and flying shoulderblock for two. Show blocks the kick and dumps Sheamus, but Orton’s power of positive thinking gets him back into the ring. Show with the Final Cut for two, but Orton saves. And these guys are supposed to be the babyfaces? Show with a sideslam for two and he goes up, but Sheamus brings him down with an electric chair. That’s pretty impressive for a guy Show’s size and age. Hot tag Orton and he puts Show down with a dropkick and somehow gets him in position for the draping DDT, but Show blocks the RKO. Sheamus comes back in with the Brogue Kick and the RKO finishes Show at 6:11. Wow, two top level babyfaces beat one guy in a handicap match, my heroes. Pretty entertaining little match with hard work from Show, though. **3/4

US title: Antonio Cesaro vs. Kofi Kingston (RAW, 04/15/13)
So yeah, Cesaro yodels now. This is a real thing. They trade near-falls to start, and Kofi misses a charge and gets laid out by a forearm. Gutwrench gets two. Kofi comes back with the boomdrop, but the big kick misses and Cesaro lays him out with SWISS DEATH for two. And we take a break. Back with Cesaro headbutting him down for two. SOS gets two for Kofi, and the Trouble in Paradise puts Cesaro on the floor. Back in, that gets two. Kofi goes up with a bodypress, but Cesaro catches him with a backbreaker for two. Cesaro misses a charge and Kofi gets a sunset flip for two. Rollup gets two, and Trouble in Paradise gives Kofi the US title again at 9:55. And the treadmill continues for him, but apparently he’s happy in that role, so good for him. ***1/4 So that’s the payoff for Cesaro – lose and lose and lose and lose and lose, miss Wrestlemania, then job the title on RAW to another midcarder.

Kane & Daniel Bryan vs. The Primetime Players (RAW, 04/15/13)
This should be a total squash considering the champs are being positioned with Undertaker next week. Bryan throws kicks in the corner, but gets caught in the heel corner and slammed by Titus. Titus suplexes Young onto Bryan for two, and we hit the chinlock. Bryan quickly makes the hot tag to Kane, and he gets a sideslam for two. Chokeslam and flying headbutt finish at 3:30. *1/2

Wade Barrett vs. R-Truth (RAW, 04/15/13)
Barrett gets a cheapshot out of the corner and drops an elbow for two, but Truth comes back with a front suplex for two. Axe kick misses and Barrett boots him down. Truth reverses the bossman slam into…something…DDTish…and gets the pin at 3:10. Good to see Barrett back to losing again after last week’s flirtation with looking like a threat. This was a yawn. *

The Rhodes Scholars v. The Great Khali & Santino Marella (RAW, 04/15/13)
Sandow finally reveals that we’re in South Carolina. Figures, they have this weird thing where they don’t give the city if it’s not somewhere they’re proud to be running. Santino gets worked over by the heels and Sandow drops the ELBOW OF DISDAIN, but Santino and Hornswaggle both use the Cobra, with the midget version being less effective. Sandow rolls up Santino to end this trainwreck at 3:18. Thank god. DUD

Dolph Ziggler vs. Jack Swagger (RAW, 04/15/13)
So this comes about due to the continuing labyrinthine GM relationships, with Teddy Long making a match behind Vickie’s back and over Booker’s head. Apparently if Swagger wins he’s “in the title hunt”, so look for Ziggler to job yet again here so we can get a shitty three-way at the PPV. Swagger pounds away in the corner and gets a short clothesline, but misses a blind charge. Dolph bails to the apron and gets a necksnap, but Swagger drops him on the top rope and clotheslines him to the floor as we take a break. Back with Swagger hitting the post on a charge, and Dolph comes back with a small package for two. Swagger with a belly to belly suplex for two. Swagger bomb hits boot and Ziggler makes the comeback with a DDT for two. Swagger blocks the fameasser with a stungun for the pin at 10:34. Because of course he does. Crowd did not care about this in the least, but we’re getting more Swagger like it or not. ** I really find the whole “lose a bunch of matches and then beat the champion to earn another title shot” booking pattern to be particularly insufferable. They’ve got the alignments totally wrong here, as people want to cheer Ziggler and boo Del Rio and we’re getting force-fed the opposite.

Kaitlyn vs. Nikki Bella (RAW, 04/15/13)
More talk of the famed “title hunt” here, as apparently Nikki winning will also put her in said hunt. Do they literally have NO other booking tricks? Constantly jobbing your champions makes the eventual title win mean NOTHING. The Bellas argue on the floor, allowing Kaitlyn to baseball slide them, but Nikki runs her into the apron to take over as the crowd somehow gets deader. Science has found a new level of boredom and it’s this match. Nikki with the devastating hairpull for two. A series of chinlocks follows, and the Bellas make the switch to allow Brie to get the pin with the world’s most devastating trip onto the middle rope at 5:11. Yeah, this happened. DUD

R-Truth vs. Antonio Cesaro (RAW, 04/22/13)
Truth is back to the indecipherable rapping, which Cesaro counters with a yodel. This yodeling deal has got to go. Cesaro attacks and pounds Truth with forearms and a short clothesline and the crowd does the “Ole” singalong while Cesaro double-stomps Truth for two. Truth comes back with the front suplex for two and a spinkick to finish at 2:15. Whatever Cesaro did to Vince McMahon, hopefully he’s learned his lesson. *

Brodus Clay vs. Damien Sandow (RAW, 04/22/13)
Kudos to the guy with the Sandow costume. Now that’s dedication. Clay pounds on Sandow and drops an elbow for two, but Sandow takes him down with an Edge-O-Matic and throws some knees to set up the ELBOW OF DISDAIN. That gets two. Brodus goes after Cody and Sandow rolls him up for the pin at 3:24. Yay, my favorite finish. ½*

Dolph Ziggler vs. Chris Jericho (RAW, 04/22/13)
Jericho controls with a headlock on the mat, so Ziggler bails for some advice from AJ. Jericho hits him with a baseball slide and we take a break. Back with Ziggler hitting a neckbreaker while the bored fans do some Fandangoing. Back with Ziggler dropping an elbow and dumping Jericho, and back in for two. He showboats too much and Jericho gets a backslide for two, but Ziggler goes to the chinlock. Jericho breaks free of that and makes the comeback with what appears to be a flying Tatanka chop. Ziggler escapes the Walls, but Jericho gets the enzuigiri for two. Bulldog sets up the Lionsault, but Big E nails Jericho to stop that, and Dolph gets two. Ziggler takes Jericho down in the corner on an UGLY spot and gets two, and then goes to the sleeper as this thing drags ON and ON. Ziggler with a DDT and now the crowd is doing the wave. END THIS BORING MATCH. Jericho misses the Lionsault and Ziggler gets the fameasser for two. He goes up and Jericho brings him down with a superplex for two. Codebreaker gets two. He gets rid of Big E and puts Dolph in the Walls, and this results in Fandango’s music playing. And of course, Jericho gets so distracted that Dolph hits the Zig Zag for the pin at 20:00. They gave them 20 minutes for THAT stupid fucking finish? *1/2

Tensai vs. Cody Rhodes (RAW, 04/22/13)
Cody gets a couple of shots in, but gets caught in a delayed butterfly suplex that gets two. Cody comes back with a neckbreaker for two and a front facelock, and the disaster kick gets two. Tensai comes back with the rolling senton and a regular senton finishes. Because, you know, 50/50 booking where if one member of the team wins, the other has to lose. Because that’s how you make money.

Big E Langston vs. Zack Ryder (RAW, 04/22/13)
Langston with clotheslines to destroy Ryder, and the Big Ending finishes at 1:43. Just a squash.

Undertaker, Kane & Daniel Bryan vs. The Shield (RAW, 04/22/13)
It’s a pier-six brawl to start, and we take a break and start the match properly. Bryan pounds on Ambrose with kicks in the corner to start as the crowd is finally able to get into something, and Kane gets a seated dropkick for two. Over to Undertaker, who goes old school on Ambrose but gets cut off. A second try works and gets two. Reigns comes in and gets caught in the babyface corner, where Bryan dropkicks him for two. Kane drops an elbow for two and goes to the chinlock, but Reigns comes back with a clothesline for two. Rollins with a dropkick for two. Reigns hits the chinlock and Kane escapes with a suplex, and then fights off Rollins to bring Bryan in. He hits the kicks as Rollins sells like a ragdoll physics demo, and that gets two. Bryan backdrops him to the floor and BOUNCES him off the railing with a suicide dive in an awesome looking spot. Back in, missile dropkick hits, but a charge misses and we take a break. Back with Bryan getting the heat as Rollins gets his revenge. He stops to taunt Undertaker, which isn’t a generally smart idea. Ambrose beats on Bryan in the corner and drops an elbow for two, and into the double-team bow-and-arrow spot for two. Reigns comes in and misses a charge, and it’s HOT tag Undertaker. He beats the shit out of the Shield and destroys Ambrose with the big boot and legdrop for two. Reigns cuts him off with a spear for two, however. Rollins slugs away, but Taker clotheslines him for two. Kane with a sideslam and he goes up for the clothesline, but Rollins escapes the chokeslam and Ambrose comes in…and walks into a chokeslam. Whoops. Bryan goes up and it’s BONZO GONZO, as Bryan misses the headbutt and Ambrose pins him at 19:47. That’s exactly how it should have went. Undertaker got some revenge, but his team still lost in the end. ****

Fandango vs. WILLIAM REGAL (RAW, 04/22/13)
Well, Regal’s starting to look his age. He gets some shots in, but Fandango beats on him in the corner and hits a high kick from the apron. Downward spiral finishes at 1:37. Really now, why trot out Regal just to get destroyed like that? Jericho returns and tosses Fandango off the ramp, then steals his dancer, the worst thing one human being can do to another in the world of Dancing With The Stars.

Divas Battle Royale (Raw, 04/22/13)
Now this is what the show has been lacking. Apparently the Bella victory last week has been overturned due to the cheating, so now this is for the #1 contendership. This is a packed field, with FIVE whole competitors. Layla puts Aksana out through the middle but I guess that counts because it ends it faster. Tamina pulls Naomi out as I wonder where Cameron is. Layla valiantly puts Tamina out while AJ has been playing dead for the entire match after a Tamina superkick. Layla drags her to the ropes, but AJ recovers and tosses her at 3:30 to win the grueling match. Man, and here all those people who were buying Extreme Rules for Nikki Bella v. Kaitlyn got their hopes up for NOTHING. When Cole says someone is in the title hunt, that’s a sacred bond between commentator and fan!

Ricardo Rodriguez vs. Zeb Colter vs. Big E Langston (RAW, 04/29/13)
Winner of this trainwreck gets to pick the stipulation of the trainwreck at the PPV. Big E pounds on Ricardo while Uncle Zeb just stands on the apron. Probably wise. After a couple of minutes of punishment, Langston charges and hits the post, allowing Zeb to come in for an argument with Ricardo about who gets to “finish” him. And of course E recovers and Ricardo gets beat up again. Then suddenly the real wrestlers storm the ring and get rid of Langston, allowing Ricardo to roll up Zeb for the pin. So Alberto Del Rio gets to pick his stipulation. I suppose it’s better than letting people vote for it by Twitter. DUD

Randy Orton vs. Cody Rhodes (RAW, 04/29/13)
Orton is growing his hair back in, which might finally signal the heel turn he’s been wanting for like two years now. Orton works him over for the first few minutes and pounds away in the corner, but Cody manages to avoid the Garvin Stomp and gets his own stomps in the corner. Orton with a suplex for two and he drops the knee for two. Cody with a dropkick for two, but Orton comes back with a clothesline on the floor to set up the draping DDT, which Cody escapes. He also escapes the RKO and we take a break. Back with Orton unconscious on the floor, and Cody rolls him in for two and then chokes away, and it’s chinlock time. Kneedrop gets two as this JUST….KEEPS….GOING. Cody goes up with an elbow and then opts not to cover, instead going back to the top before getting brought down by Orton with a superplex. That gets two. Orton with his usual comeback and the draping DDT, but the world’s most telegraphed RKO attempt gets countered into the Crossroads for two. Disaster kick is reversed into the RKO for the pin at 16:44. I’m kind of intrigued by this notion of filling the endless hours of this show with lengthy matches, but I wish they would have something going on with either guy that they could have talked about during the match. ** Afterwards, we get a random interview by Matt Striker, as Orton has apparently never been so focused, but not so focused that he actually has a PPV opponent or anything. Oh, and poor Cody gets another RKO.

Brie Bella vs. Naomi (RAW, 04/29/13)
Naomi gets a Thesz Press and pounds away, then puts Brie on the floor with a dropkick. Of course, the twins switch and Nikki gets the pin at 1:12. However, the other dancer complains and the black ref reverses the decision. That’s RACISM. Man, whoever had Brie Bella in their fantasy pool is gonna be PISSED. DUD

Dolph Ziggler vs. Kofi Kingston (RAW, 04/29/13)
Why would you even make this match? Neither guy should be losing and they’ve already wrestled probably a million times already, literally. Perhaps a billion. Kofi has pyro again so he must be getting a renewed push again. Ziggler with a headlock, but Kofi comes back with a back elbow and goes up. Ziggler dropkicks him off the apron and to the floor, and we take a break. Back with Kofi fighting out of a chinlock, but Ziggler gets a reverse neckbreaker and misses a blind charge. Kofi comes back with the boomdrop, but Dolph ducks the big kick and gets a DDT off it. That gets two. Kofi with the SOS for two. Trouble in Paradise gets two as AJ puts Dolph’s foot on the ropes, and Big E pulls him out to revive him. This allows Kofi to hit them with a dive, and back in for a cross body that gets two. Kofi goes after Big E and Dolph rolls him up for two, reversed for two by Kofi. Zig Zag finishes at 12:24. Kofi gets destroyed by Big E, as the secondary champion’s curse continues. Honestly, why would anyone even WANT to be US or IC champion at this point? Good match though. ***1/4

Jack Swagger vs. Zack Ryder (RAW, 04/29/13)
Ryder gets his usual zero offense, as Swagger hits a pair of Swagger Bombs before a third one misses and Zack actually gets a comeback with a baseball slide. Back in, Zack walks into a doctor bomb and the anklelock finishes at 3:00. 1/2*

Alberto Del Rio vs. Antonio Cesaro (RAW, 04/29/13)
They fight for a suplex and Cesaro wins that battle, the only win he’s had in months, but Del Rio pounds him with shoulderblocks in the corner. Cesaro goes to the arm, but Del Rio comes back with the backstabber and Cesaro bails to escape the armbreaker. And we take a break. Back with Cesaro in control with a double stomp for two, and a gutwrench for two. Forearm in the corner gets two. And we’re over to the chinlock. Ricardo has a very sad attempt to get people chanting for Del Rio, and that’s not happening. Del Rio comes back despite the crowd apathy, but Cesaro cradles for two. Del Rio with a german suplex for two. The crowd gets bored and starts singing as Del Rio goes up and lands on an uppercut, and then Ricardo gets even sadder by trying to start the same “Ole” chant that the crowd was just doing to repurpose it for Del Rio. This is like fourteen levels of pathetic. Cesaro with a rollup for two, but Del Rio turns it into the armbreaker at 13:40. No one gives a shit about Del Rio or whatever lame stipulation he’s choosing for the three-way. ** After all that, his choice is ladder match. How this benefits Del Rio, I have no idea.

The Shield vs. Daniel Bryan, Kane and John Cena (RAW, 04/29/13)
The babyfaces beat on Rollins in the corner and Bryan hits Ambrose with the kicks, and Kane comes in with a low dropkick for two. Kane misses the top rope clothesline and Rollins comes in with a double suplex for two, and we take another break. Back with Ambrose elbowing Bryan down for two, and Rollins gets dropkick in the corner for two. Rollins with an armbar and an enzuigiri gets two. Reigns with the chinlock and a samoan drop for two. Hot tag Kane and he hits Ambrose with the sideslam and follows with the top rope clothesline, but he goes outside and gets caught by an Ambrose DDT on the floor. So now Kane is your burned face in peril, but Ambrose talks smack and gets chokeslammed as a result. So it’s over to Cena, who comes back on the Shield, but walks into a spear and gets pinned at 16:28. Ryback glares at him ominously from the stage, apparently having been lured back to the arena by the promise of free pizza, and we’re out. Pretty weak Shield match, actually. **1/2

Damien Sandow vs. Randy Orton (RAW, 05/06/13)
Sandow chooses to serenade Orton with a song pointing out his lameness for some reason, and this results in a beating. Sandow manages to drive Orton into the railing, but walks into the neckbreaker back in the ring. Orton stomps away and hits a suplex as we get the world’s fakest tweets with people hyping the Brock thing. Like really, what non-sponsored human being makes sure to talk specifically about “WWE HQ” and ends with “Find out tonight!” And we take a break. Back with Sandow hitting the ELBOW OF DISDAIN and going to the chinlock, but Orton comes back with the usual. Sandow goes up and lands on a dropkick, and Orton gets the draping DDT. RKO finishes clean at 9:45. This was fine, although Orton continues to be completely directionless and doesn’t even have a match on the PPV officially announced yet. **1/2 Big Show comes out and punches Orton out at the entranceway.

Fandango vs. R-Truth (RAW, 05/06/13)
Chris Jericho leads a panel of judges consisting of himself, Tensai and Brodus, giving scores on whatever they feel like mocking. Fandango attacks and beats Truth down, but Truth comes back with the dropkick and front suplex. Fandango bails and Truth has a dance break, which somehow earns a 10 from the judges. They’re worse than MMA judges. Fandango walks out at 1:30. That was a waste. ½*

Dolph Ziggler vs. Alberto Del Rio (RAW, 05/06/13)
The crowd doggedly cheers for Ziggler even though WWE has been telling us for months now that Del Rio is the babyface. Del Rio works the arm for a bit, but Dolph dropkicks him and stomps away in the corner. Corner splash gets two. The director randomly cuts to AJ a couple of times, as there’s been all kinds of weird cutaway shots, like it was 1992 or something. ADR comes back with kicks in the corner, but Ziggler suplexes him for two. Del Rio gets the forearms in the corner as they try to find stuff for the crowd to count along with, but now Swagger comes out with full entrance music as the match grinds to a halt while everyone waits for them. Apparently Zeb is doing commentary. Who comes out halfway through the match? What if it had ended 2:00 in or something? Back with Del Rio getting a sunset flip for two, but Ziggler puts him down with a dropkick for two. Ziggler drops elbows, but Del Rio faceplants him for two. Ziggler to the top and Del Rio turns it into a reverse superplex, but Ziggler puts him down with a neckbreaker. Del Rio comes back with clotheslines and the backbreaker and a superkick for two. Nice reversal sequence leads to the armbreaker, but Big E runs in for the DQ at 16:50. Really good match, shit finish. ***1/2 Swagger destroys both guys with some scary ladder shots afterwards, which is actually an EFFECTIVE way to get someone over as a heel, as opposed to vague politically themed YouTube videos.

The Shield vs. The Usos & Kofi Kingston (RAW, 05/06/13)
Oh Kofi, you’ve fallen to the level of Sivi Afi now, the third guy teaming with the Islanders in TV six-man jobs. I really don’t like the Shield wrestling on TV every week like this, because it’s just going to kill the special aura. The Usos start strong but Jey quickly gets beat up by Reigns in the heel corner, and Rollins and Ambrose hit a pair of dropkicks for two. Rollins with the chinlock and they take turns beating on Jey in the corner, but it’s hot tag Kofi. He gets a crossbody on Ambrose for two, but goes up again and gets caught by Ambrose. The bulldog driver finishes at 6:50. This was kind of a slog, but that’s a KILLER finisher. ** Now you’d think Ambrose would want a US title shot based on….BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH, sorry, couldn’t even finish typing that sentence with a straight face.

Antonio Cesaro vs. Zack Ryder (RAW, 05/06/13)
Well this should hopefully end the losing streak. Apparently he’s still feuding with Kofi, even though Kofi got crushed by the Shield and was basically used as a job guy. Speaking of job guys, Cesaro quickly double-stomps Zack and hits the gutwrench, then hits a suplex as some poor idiot tries to start a Ryder chant. I’m sure they’ll probably bury Ryder even more for that. Cesaro cuts off the comeback with SWISS DEATH and finishes with the Neutralizer at 2:00. Total squash.

AJ Lee & The Bella Twins vs. Kaitlyn & The Funkadactyls (RAW, 05/06/13)
AJ with a neckbreaker on Cameron as the crowd is just dead silent and getting deader. Cameron quickly makes the comeback and tag Kaitlyn, but the Bellas won’t tag in, allowing Kaitlyn to finish with the spear at 2:45. I don’t get it. DUD

Sheamus vs. Wade Barrett (RAW, 05/06/13)
Yeah, Wade is still the IC champion, why do you ask? Sheamus gets the forearms and then heads out to Brogue Kick poor Mark Henry on commentary. Back in, the flying shoulderblock gets two. Barrett catches him with the bossman slam for two, but Sheamus gets a backbreaker for two. Barrett kicks him down for two. Sheamus finishes with the big kick at 4:33. Yes, Wade is really the IC champion, why do you keep asking? *1/2 Thankfully, Henry kicks Sheamus’ smirking ass afterwards and makes threatening quips, because THAT’S WHAT HE DOES.

Kane vs. Ryback (RAW, 05/06/13)
We’ve got 10 minutes of airtime left and I don’t foresee this show suddenly not becoming shitty. Ryback quickly takes over on the floor and WE TAKE A BREAK?! C’mon, I have to work in the morning, you sadists. Back with Ryback holding a facelock while the fans express how boring this is, but Kane comes back with a DDT for two. Kane walks into a spinebuster and Ryback wants to FINISH IT. PLEASE DO. No, sadly Kane suplexes him for two. To the top, but Ryback brings him down with the Shellshock to finish at 9:03. Yeah, this was a thing that happened, deal with it. -* The Shield comes out to attack afterwards and Ryback runs away because I guess we’re still supposed to be booing him for not helping the people that he’s actively feuding with or something. At this point I’ve given up trying to follow.