2002 Discussion

Discuss 2002 in Metal/Jakked.

Christian vs. Billy Kidman (Jakked, 05/11/02)
Billy Kidman takes on Christian. I love how Christian is gonna help Tajiri get over Torie and how it vaguely sounded like an offer to provide the manly velvet loving in the alley. Covert homosexual ennuendo always works especially when it's connected to an angle where a woman strips to her underwear to divert the teenage boys and old stunted cretins from the funny feeling they get seeing oiled up men in tiny pants smacking each other in the chest. "SEE! I'm jacking off to the girl standing on the table in the thong! Not the... goodlookin' young man in the bicycling shorts! SEE! OH TORIE!" Kidman has misterioized himself to unnatural thickness somehow. He still isn't afraid to fly rib first into the guardrail. Christian's punches really suck. His kicks really suck. His offense really sucks. Kidman's punches are passable and his offense is a little zippier in a Kanyon-with-hurricanranas kinda way. The DQ finish because of the UN FOULE sucked cock and was complete shit to continue up the Christian-becomes-very-upset gimmick it seems- as opposed to making any sense in the ENTERTAINMENT! ATTITUDE! concept of the WWE. Kidman takes the bump and carries the match. Kidman's pharmaceutically enhanced bulk makes his lariat look very nice. But is that worth a shiny new replacement hip at age 41? This was an okay little match because of Kidman's willingness to die in every sense of the word.

Christian vs. Low Ki (Metal, 01/18/02)
As far as try out matches go, this was awesome. Ki bumps like a freak for Christian, like as if he's not right in the head. Low Ki is Low Ko. See what I did there? His kicks are like something out of Tekken and all his strikes look really crisp. Can't say the same for Christian though, and that saddens me, it really does. Are those even punches? I can't see it. Highlight of the match is probably Ki's freak bump into the railing, or maybe the fact that this takes place in MSG. Ki wrestled in MSG! For 3 minutes, this was great fun. The finish was a little meh and made Christian look a little slimy, considering he was a full-time guy, you'd think they would've had him go over 100% clean but nope, Ki gets a nice rub.

Chavo Guerrero Jr. vs. Billy Kidman (Jakked 05/19/02)
Chavo looks frickin great. Kidman`s offense was so Indie Cruiserweight 97 crappy and the Junior world has passed him by- but the bumps were big. The Gory Special counter fun and the Not-Nearly-As-Fun-As-A-GoryBomb-But-A-Fun-Little-Variation was neato. Kidman takes it straight into 1998 with the Falcon Arrow and we have a fun little finishers sequence. The Black Cat DDT by Chavo was neato. The You-Can`t-Powerbomb-Me Facebuster is so super-annoying four years later and- as a finisher- is extra-super-annoying. Not annoying enough for me not to like the match. Chavo is fucking fabulous wrestling in the wrestling vacuum.

Albert vs. Hugh Morrus (Jakked, 05/19/02)
This was a fun little power match. Albert does an Ode To Steve Williams early with the Oklahoma Stampede and then hits a nice Lariat. Then is got all stiff-choppy. It faulters as Morris hits some shitty punches for the TEN COUNT! Albert does the Greg Valentine sell of the Avalanche and then Morris hits a really nice lardo Toprope Elbow. Then Albert goes for a DIFFERENT Hashimoto-esque Avalanche that misses, but Albert hits the Cowboy Bill Erwin jumpy front kick- EVEN WITH THE MEMORY OF THE DEATH OF DALE TORBORG`S PUSH and subsequent career STILL FRESH IN HIS HEAD! Good match. Odd Main Event.

Test, Christian vs. Mark Henry, Farooq (Jakked, 05/19/02)
- Well, this was quite the three heaping scoops of shit on a waffle cone. Christian`s punches are a .0000000003 on the Dick Murdock Credible Punches scale, but he did bump well enough to add a few candy sprinkles to this fecal triple dip. Test sucks but not as much as Mark Henry. Farooq is the stiff that channels Luger this week- what with HORRRRIBLE clotheslines and the most business exposing punches since those one`s that Test threw a minute earlier. At least Test threw some nice Lariats in the corner before Hercules Hernandez `02 no-sold them. How did Christian get wrangled into the ring with these three crappy loads?

The Godfather vs. Funaki (Jakked, 05/19/02)
They set up MORE of the white hot Godfather vs Farooq angle as Funaki comes out to be beaten to death by Godfather. Jesus Christ, Godfather- you can lay in the kicks a little. It IS fucking national TV and he was in BattlARTS. Your not going to kick him harder than Minoru Tanaka did. Funaki is the Occidental Lee Scott, being small enough to fly really high when being squashed a shitty useless stiff. WOW! That Godfather sure can beat the shit out of those little pussy-assed cruiserweights!! This sucked it until the tonsils get the high-viscosity coating.

AJ Styles vs. The Hurricane (Metal 01/26/02)
This whole match can be summed up in merely one word. VERTEBREAKER! That's right, Helms busted it out like a motherfucker. Styles missed a SSP and then out of the blue, what happens? VERTEBREAKER! My God, that's the best thing on Metal like ever. Styles looked good here, hit good but bumped even better. He's got a sweet ass brainbuster, he should bust that out more often. Helms wasn't half-bad either. I guess this was foreshadowing the CW division being formed? I dunno, I'm probably just thinking that because CW's seem to be popping up on C-Shows more regularly than usual.

The Big Valbowski vs Albert (Jakked, 05/11/02)
This is intriguing. Schneider likes Albert and is always talking about how he is an okay wrestler if you watch METAL and JAKKED and then goes into all the usual rambling shit he goes into so I already hate Albert before the bell rings. Valbowski had a good match with motherfucking useless load Rayo De Jalisco in EMLL once, so he is not without past goodwill with me going in. Albert hits the Butterfly suplex so I instantly fall in love. His selling is lil suspect at one point but he was perfectly fine selling the damage to set up the ending. Valbowski can go and I dug his Elbow Drops. This match was pretty low grade and bland but it was perfectly fine execution of a low grade and bland wrestling match- with the punches and elbow drops having enough ass behind them to make it work for a throwaway match.

The Godfather vs. Farooq (Jakked, 05/11/02)
The Godfather hasn't been interesting to me since he stopped being Baron Samedi in NAWA. Farooq hasn't interested me since he stopped busting heads with Butch MOTHERFUCKING Reed in Doom in the NWA. But hey, you gotta watch the matches if you wanna do a real Workrate Report. Farooq's punches really suck. Godfather threw one out of five good elbow drops and threw the WORST KICK I'VE SEEN IN WEEKS. But you know, that kick was like a "Kawada finding his wife in the sack with Kikuchi"-level orbital-socket-crushing kick compared to the horrendous clothesline that the Godfather unfurled upon Farooq, upon the viewers and upon the world. Ed Leslie was sitting at home saying, "Shit, Terry can get me in Titan! Even III could throw a better clothesline that THAT! HAHAHAHAHA!" Then he practiced his "shoot" promo that he will use when he comes in- "I AM THE ZODIAC BROTHER BRUTI BOOTYMAN, BROTHER- AND THE DISCIPLE OF THE WARRIOR, BROTHER! Oh wait, you wanted extra spicy? No, the Louisiana Creole chicken is the mild. The Popeye's Cajun is the extra spicy. It's kinda confusing, I know. Just pull up and I'll bring it out to you in a few minutes. Sorry about that." This sucked. But not really as much as I thought it would. But it did suck.

Chavo Guerrero Jr. vs. Funaki (Jakked, 05/11/02)
These guys wrestle for three minutes. Funaki used to be in BattlARTS before he started tagging with TAKA Michinoku in Michinoku Pro- thus leading to TAKA giving him the in to become a member of Kaientai Deluxe. BattlARTS was a last vestige of Shootstyle and KDX were best heels in mid to late 90s. Here he wrestles face against a vaguely heel Chavo and does no matwork- so he negate his only two strengths. He does hit one cool looking Mexican Armdrag and Chavo keeps it stiff all the way through and lands a nifty dropkick to the face while Funaki was perched on the toprope. But this was so not even close to being anything that I've seen these two do before that I liked. No dice. Sorry.